You've felt it, haven't you? The creeping grayness. The suffocating sanity of the Planners and the Bureaucrats who think they can legislate the soul out of a man. They build their rational world of rules and remedies and leave no room for the magnificent, twisted heart of the American Dream.
We are the fiends screaming in the margins. This is our response: a monster cookie bakery operating under the glorious anarchy of the Oklahoma Food Freedom Act. This isn't food. It's a weapon. It's a sacrament. It's the key to the cage you didn't even know you were in.
Here, the Vice supports the Crumb. And the Crumb supports the Vice. Take a bite. See what happens.
THE ARSENAL
The Reptile Carnival
The Communion: A maelstrom of brown sugar, oat clusters, and chocolate chunks studded with candy-coated eyeballs. It's the savage journey into the heart of the night, baked into a 6-inch disc of pure Id.
The Card: The Hierophant of the Highway. A lizard in a Hawaiian shirt driving a red convertible. The card reads: 'Buy the ticket, take the ride. Responsibility is a myth sold by cowards.'
$2 - Single Cookie
$10 - Half Dozen (+1 Experimental Free)
$18 - Full Dozen (+2 Experimental Free)
THE EXPERIMENTS LAB
For every 5 cookies purchased, receive 1 experimental variant from the lab. Rotating flavors. Untamed ingredients. Same monster cookie foundation. Different path to enlightenment.
Current experiments vary. Ask what madness we're baking this week.
THE VICIOUS CYCLE
The Doctrine
Let's be clear. We are not selling baked goods. We are distributing artifacts for a new reality.
The Bureaucrats and the Planners want to define your rights, your prerogatives, your very existence into neat little boxes. They believe in a world of reason and order. We believe in a world of high-stakes, cosmic chaos.
The Cookie is the Body. It's the physical act of rebellion. It is communion. A dose of glorious, unapologetic Vice that reminds your tongue what freedom tastes like.
The Card is the Blood. It's the splinter of truth, the psychic shrapnel lodged in the cookie's soul. It is the Crumb of a forgotten wisdom. Each card is a key, a map, a coded message from the Edge.
One without the other is useless. A cookie without a card is just empty calories. A card without a cookie is just impotent philosophy. Together, they are a complete spiritual toolkit for navigating the wreckage of the 21st century.
This is Advocacy Planning for your own goddamn soul.
OUR SHIELD AGAINST THE MACHINE
The Oklahoma Food Freedom Act
Lesser states tremble in the grip of the health inspector, the regulator, the man with the clipboard and the dead eyes. They live in fear of fines and legal challenges. They are slaves to the machine.
But here, in the savage heart of America, we have a sacred text: The Oklahoma Food Freedom Act. This isn't a legal statute; it's a goddamn poem. It's a declaration that a man's kitchen is his castle, and what he bakes there is a matter between him, his oven, and his God.
No federal goons. No state-level sycophants. Just the raw, unadulterated freedom to bake monsters for a world that needs them.
Every cookie we sell is a testament to this glorious piece of legislative insanity. It is our shield and our sword.
POWER TO THE PEANUT BUTTER
PLACE YOUR ORDER
The communion awaits
Joining the insurgency is simple. Fill out the form below or reach out through alternate channels. We operate on trust and a healthy dose of paranoia.
Alternate Channels
Text: [918-292-9187]
Email: [viceandcrumb@gmail.com]
In-Person: Find us at local events. You know where to look.
Payment
PayPal, Venmo, CashApp, or cold hard cash
We keep it simple.
Fulfillment
Order ahead for pickup
Lead times vary based on batch size and current demand. We'll confirm availability when you reach out.
The Cards
Random Capitol Creeps cards included with purchases
Physical cards tucked in your bag
The system goes live soon. Stay tuned.
Legal Information
Oklahoma Food Freedom Act Registration: #3613879822
This product was produced in a private residence that is exempt from government licensing and inspection.
Products made under the Oklahoma Homemade Food Freedom Act.